In My Copious Free Time

Top 5 Friday

We're still functioning under Stinky's Rules here, people. And if you aren't reading her blog, I don't know what you are doing with your life...

Top 5 Artists or Shows You'd Like to See in 2011

I think I'll list these in descending order according to the likelihood I'll actually see them. I'd love to put The Dixie Chicks on the list, but since they aren't touring, that would be silly, wouldn't it?

1. U2 - the only question right now is which city. Philadelphia is a strong possibility.

2. Eric Clapton - I'm including this not because it would normally be high on my list, but he'll be in Singapore when I'm there and I'm thinking, what the heck, we should go. I mean...Clapton...

3. David Sedaris - This is a show, but it isn't musical. Since it's my blog, I get to decide whether or not that counts, and since tickets are issued and it's in a theater, it counts.

4. Lady Gaga - This is one that I probably won't get to see. I've been looking at the winter dates, but the most doable cities are on dates when I'm already traveling somewhere else, and the dates when I'm not traveling all fall in cities that are just too far away for a quick concert trip. BUT I just realized that she's going to be in Orlando when I'm there in April at Walt Disney World! Hmmmm... (I'm kidding. Well, about 95% kidding.)

5. Hard Rock Calling 2011 - Bon Jovi will be headlining the Hyde Park event this year that just happens to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the opening of the Hard Rock Cafe (which is right around the corner from Hyde Park on Picadilly). I adore Hyde Park - strangely enough I've spent more time wandering around in it than I have in Central Park - and I'd love to experience a huge concert like this. Plus it would give me a chance to go to the upside down tree again - walking into this when the sun is overhead and filtering gently through the leaves is one of the best-kept secrets in all of London!

So...how about you...what shows are on your list?

 

Meme courtesy of Top 5 Friday

Pretend this is yesterday

I meant to post this yesterday, I really did. But what with some intense stuff going on in my life and Snowpocalypse III bearing down on us, I forgot all about it.

(Snowpocalypse III turned out to be more like a Flurricane. We did get another 10-12 inches, but it wasn't the all-out Snowmaggedon everyone predicted.)

Last week, so many of in the US (and some around the world) paused to remember the Space Shuttle Challenger on the 25th anniversary of the tragedy that took the lives of seven people and was, for my generation, one of the first "flashbulb" moments - an event seared into our memories not only because of its importance, but because so many watched it unfold in horrible, real time.

Yesterday was another anniversary - it was eight years ago on February 1 that the Space Shuttle Columbia, its thermal protection system damaged during liftoff by an errant chunk of insulation, broke up as streaked into Earth's atmosphere.

Why is this notable for me? Well, Dear Reader, a couple of days ago, I also noted the anniversary of my mother's death. That was the day before the loss of the Columbia. I had been in Alabama for several days at this point, and I'd been suffering from pressure and pain in both ears since my flight from New York. On the morning of the 2nd, I knew I had to address the probably ear infection, so I set out for Med Plus in Muscle Shoals. I filled out paperwork and was shown to a small exam room where I took a seat to wait. The door was left slightly open and I could hear a radio or television in the background. There were no emphatic announcements, just bits and pieces of reports I could barely here. I didn't know what had happened, but I knew it involved the Shuttle, and that it was bad.

Finally, someone came in to take my temperature, blood pressure, etc. Keep in mind that my mom had been dead about 24 hours. I was raw, worn out from crying, and running on little to no sleep. (No comments about my sleep habits from the peanut gallery.) I was teary-eyed and sniffling to say the least. What happened next didn't seem funny at the time, but it's amazing what 8 years' worth of perspective will do...

The nurse (or nurse's aide or just the person with the stethosocope) looked at me in my emotional state and said, "I know, it's a hard day. We're all upset about the Shuttle." That wasn't the reason for my tears, though, and I responded simply, "My mother just died."

She looked at me and blinked the blink of utter incomprehension and said incredulously...

Your mother was on the Space Shuttle???

Somehow, I think my mother would have loved that story.

Better than counting sheep

I can't sleep, so instead I've been alternately writing a letter (yes, an actual letter on paper that will go in an envelope with a stamp) and thinking about blogging. Sunday was a big blog traffic day again--I've noticed that posts about divorce seem to get the most hits. Wonder what that says about my readership...

But I digress. As I was thinking about blogging and lists, I remembered a short list I posted to Facebook about 10 days ago. I'm including here because this is a far better repository than Facebook, which seems to want all my information, but doesn't want to make it easy for me to sort and search my own information.So I give you a short list of things that make me happy, and not all of them are things. (And it's certainly not exhaustive and not all of them are deep and heavily imbued with meaning. But they all make me happy to some degree, and that's what counts.)

• My sweet boy
• That floaty feeling right before I fall asleep
• Text messages
• Amazon
• Baseball
• 4-inch heels
• Reading until 3am
• Airplanes
• Brownie edge pieces
• Amazon Prime!
• iBook and Kindle for iPad
• Paris
• Heated seats
• Running
• Runner's high
• Taking the stairs
• Having a plan
• Not having a plan
• Poetry
• Singing along with whatever music is coming out of my car's speakers
• The onion skin-thin pages of my college literature anthologies
• Inside jokes with my sister
• The crazy lyrics Alex makes up to the tune of virtually any song I play in the car
• A really hot bath
• Hugs
• A good laugh, a good cry - authentic emotion felt and expressed
• Board games with friends
• My "Mighty Michelle" (Obama) reusable shopping bag
• Pinterest
• Going home
• Netflix

Today is not about remembering this day

Dear Mother,

It's that day again. January 31, the day you died. I'm so torn about this day because it's not how I remember you, but I feel compelled to honor you on this day, so I walk the fine line of what is not and what should be.

Today, instead of remembering that last day, I'm going to remember many other days and moments that I carry with me, most without any date on a calendar associated with them. I'm going to remember...

..the day I left Alabama to move to New York and I found the small box you put on the truck when I wasn't looking - the little reminders of home and the note you wrote to go with them.

...sitting with you and putting together puzzles.

...the way you'd hug me and always say "You're so little, I don't want to break you!"

...your theory that people need eight hugs a day just to survive. I repeat that often, you know. As far as theories go, I don't think it's that solid, but you made it true for me.

...the sacrifices too numerous to count that you made so that I could have a better life.

...how you loved ironing. Crazy but true.

...the silly way you'd break into song over just about anything.

...your fondness for singing the song "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" by Great White, which always seemed to me to be the sweetest and funniest incongruity.

..."Tealight Cone!"*

..."That cow must have had an easy life."*

...the "good light."

...watching Braves games with you. (Especially game 7 of the 1992 NLCS when your nerves were so frayed that you went back to the bedroom to watch in bed with the covers pulled all the way up to your eyes.)

...cold cross-stitch mornings when Aunt Pat would pick us up for school and then you, she and Aunt Linda would all clean up the breakfast dishes and sit at the table and cross-stitch all day until it was time for one of you to collect us at the end of the school day.

...The "good morning to you" song. (I sang it to Alex and now he sings it to me. Yet another remind of how alive you still are in so many ways.)

...that you were there with me when Alex came into this world.

...singing along with the radio when you'd drive.

...monthly trips to the commissary at Redstone Arsenal.

...you teaching me to drive a stick shift in the Northwest Community College parking lot in the blue Escort.

...the way you could talk to anyone. I remember one day the phone rang and you answered it and talked and talked. I couldn't figure out who it could be on the other end, so I asked when the call finally ended. "Oh, it was just the Sears repair person."

...how everyone at Miami Ice adored you, as they rightly should have. You always knew how to make people feel special.

What I love most is that this list is so effortless and I could go on for hours. You put your whole self into being a good person and a good mother and it showed in everything you said and did. It is a big reason I am the person I am today. You taught me how to love and how to be a mother and I work all the time to live up to the example you set. Alex was so little when you died, but he knows you in many ways because you are so fully in me. When I hug his little body tight, I feel the power of that bond that I'll always have with you--all that you gave me that makes me able to not just share myself with him, but share you, too.

There is so much happening right now that I wish I could share with you, but I know what you'd say if you were here. "You are so strong; you can do this." If it weren't for the example of what love really is that you set for me, I wouldn't be so strong. I wouldn't have been able to put myself on this path of divorce. Without you, I might have thought that what I had was enough. But everything about you--the way you loved me (and Scott and Jillian), the way you and Daddy loved each other, the way you loved the people who were important to you--all of that is what gives me the courage to imagine my life differently, and to know I deserve it.

All my love, forever...

-Tara

*It would take far too long to explain these, so just trust me that they're funny and have meaning. A few will get it. Everyone else--just laugh along, okay?

To prove I can make a list out of anything...

Yesterday was a big turning point - Joe began the process of moving out. This is a far cry from his initial estimate that it would be May or June before he could move, a statement that left me speechless, to say the least. But in all fairness, I think he just needed a few days to "catch up" mentally, and simply being in the same house made it apparent that sooner rather than later was the way to go.It'll probably be 3-4 weeks before he's out completely, but getting started was important.

Yesterday also wasn't the most pleasant of days for a variety of reasons, so I had to really work myself on how to positively channel my energy.I started pulling his books off the shelves in the living room and making neat stacks. I noticed Joe had made a stack of the DVDs he wanted to take, so I found a box in the basement and started packing them up. His claims seemed appropriate - the horror films, the Phillies highlights, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the John Adams miniseries...wait!...I like that! But okay, I did buy it for him, so fair enough. The Graduate! What? I held it for a second and then put it in the box. "It's just stuff," I reminded myself. Just stuff, and a small thing to let go. But I realized at that moment that I needed to start a divorce shopping list of my own, so here's the beginning of it:

• The Graduate I'd rather have it on Blu-Ray anyway and $12.50 for the Blu-Ray/DVD combo isn't bad.
• John Adams HBO miniseries
• A new bookshelf for the upstairs hallway. I've always liked this style of shelf so maybe I'll get one of those. Of course, if I could find a real wood version for less than $300 that looked as nice, I'd be all over it.

          

• A small piece of furniture to go against the short bit of wall next to my bedroom to cover up the wall access to the plumbing for the tub that's on the other side of the wall. I have no idea what this might be, maybe a traditional bookcase? Maybe something like this cubby shelf, though definitely not the PB version.

         

• A coffee pot. Joe is the coffee drinker - I don't drink it. But I know Analise* does sometimes. And unlike the last many years of our marriage, I intend to have friends over once I'm on my own, and despite the fact that I don't drink it, it seems utterly ungracious to not have the ability to offer a cup of coffee.
• Photo albums. There are a fair number of pictures I'm going to take down, but I'm not getting rid of them. Many of them are Alex's memories, and I want him to have access to them. Even more, I want him to be able to look at them whenever he wants and not feel that it's going to bother me, so I'm going to put the photos albums in his room. They're his happy memories and I want him to have them.
• Paint. I plan on painting a lot. My bedroom is going to be the start, I think. I got a new headboard/footboard not that long ago and I bought new bedding in anticipation of redoing the bedroom, but the bed was delivered and the redecorating never happened. Now would be a good time for a fresh start, no? Here's what I'm working with, so I think a soft shade of blue that will let the white ground of the bedding pop out? And I'll need new artwork for over the bed, too.

 

(Here's where Typepad's rich text editor is going to screw up the margins, but I'm going to choose to not let that bother me for a change.)

I also want to paint the upstairs hallway, the kitchen and butler's pantry, the spare bedroom (I'm not   sure what I'll use that for, but I have a vague idea, so I think I'll have to hold off on that one), and the dining room, which will be a real hassle since it's a very dark red and will take forever to cover. The general idea for the room is that the color will come from this, which was a gift from the firm when I was made a vice president:

Given my calendar over the next 5 months, I have no idea when all this painting is going to take place, but that is a challenge for another day and another post.

I should add that since I made the decision to ask for a divorce, I've had virtually no urge to shop at all. Hmmmmm....

*Analise's title is "Home-Life Coordinator" - she's an employee of the firm and her responsibilities are picking up Alex at school, taking care of him in the afternoons, running light errands, doing a bit of light housework (emptying the dishwasher would be a good example) - all things that make it more possible for me to travel for work like I do and not lose my ever-loving mind. She is a HUGE part of our daily life and she loves and cares for Alex like crazy. We literally cannot do without her.

 

 

Saturday 9: What a Fool Believes

1. What celebrity do you think is the MOST foolish?

There are so many criteria I could use to choose an answer to this question, and the truth is I'd be relying on a smoke-and-mirrors image of whichever celebrity I choose because for the most foolish in the press, some of what is reported is wrong, and many who seem less foolish publicly are likely very foolish privately.

That said, I think it's a dead heat between Lindsay Lohan and Glenn Beck.

2. What are 5 things you don't care about?

Expensive jewelry
Coffee
Hockey
Dust bunnies
Lip liner

3. What 'issue' do you think your opinion is so right about that you end up trying to sway others to your point of view?

The fact that a cupcake without frosting is still a cupcake.

4. What personality do you like to listen to on the radio?

David Sedaris!

5. What culture are you fascinated by?

Culture Club. No, seriously...I think that of Bhutan, which is often hailed as having the happiest people in the world. The country even has a Gross National Happiness metric.

6. You are alone with your lover's diary. What do you do?

It depends on if he's invited me to read it. If not, I'm sorely tempted, but I don't look.

7. What frustrates you?

When people don't THINK. It sounds obvious but it's amazing how many people go through life on autopilot.

8. Do you remember the first time you were on the internet? What did you do first?

Yes, it was at work at Booksmart in 1996 I think, but I have no idea what I did first.

9. What was the biggest fight you have ever had with someone?

Surely a fight with Joe.

 

Saturday 9 meme courtesy of http://samanthasaturday9.blogspot.com/

Friday question: Travel 2011

Because I'm tired of talking about the divorce and it seems like almost everything else going on is either privileged information or simply not blog-appropriate, I thought I'd take the safe route and do a Friday meme from The Daily Meme. Yes, I already did a meme this week, but it was one that I'd started as a draft a long time ago. Plus I've adopted what I think will become known as the Stinky Blogging Convention, a ingenious set of blogging rules devised by my BFF, whose name is most assuredly not Stinky. So really, I can do whatever I want. (Note - I always could, but now I do so feeling like I'm "keeping to the code.")

And now because there's still lunch to be made, on with the blogging...

Do you have any travel planned for 2011? Where/when and why?

photo via http://www.faqs.org/photo-dict/phrase/8/airplane.html

Do I have any travel planned??? In the words of the great David Addison, do bears bear? Do bees be? Let's just take a quick peek at my (paper) calendar for a minute. I'll be including work travel here, and some people would say that doesn't count, but I bet they don't travel to the places my work takes me! And I'm only going to go through the next few months.

February

Singapore (work)
It bears mentioning that the flight I'll be taking from Newark to Singapore on Singapore Air is the longest nonstop flight in existence, clocking in at 18 hours, 45 minutes. That is a LONG time to be on one plane.

Palm Springs, CA (work...well, workish)
TED 2011. This will be my fourth year at what Fast Company calls "The New Harvard." It's the most intellectually stimulating thing I've ever experienced. Also the most extroverted, so it usually leaves me completely shredded, but in a good way. Mostly.

March

Austin (work)
After years of threatening, I'm finally going to South by Southwest (SXSWInteractive)! I'm going to finally get to meet some dear friends from inside my computer and see a couple I've already met but haven't seen in ages. It's going to be GREAT.

NYC (workish)
The entire firm is going on a Friday to see the Broadway musical "Memphis" and the owners/future owners are staying for the weekend. We'll probably see another show while we're there, have brunch, and have some downtime before heading back home on the train at the end of the weekend.

I do have one other trip planned for March, but I'm light on detail for that one right now.

April

Atlanta (work)
Every year we attend a conference in Atlanta and it's always held at the Hotel Intercontinental in Buckhead. It's really a tradition now, and when I go there, I feel like I'm at home. The rooms are wonderful and the beds are perhaps the most comfortable I've slept on, ever. Yes, even more comfortable than the highly touted Westin "Heavenly Bed." I'm also going to the Atlanta Braves home opener while I'm in town. (I always try to work in a baseball game if I'm in a town where it's a possibility, and the added bonus of this being my team and it being the home opener makes it extra special.)

Disney World (play)
3 days after arriving home from Atlanta, I leave for Disney for a trip with a lot of moving parts that promises a ton of fun. Alex is extra excited because Analise, our home-life coordinator (aka, our childcare person who is paid by my firm so that I can do the amount of work travel I do and still maintain a sane, balanced life for Alex) is coming with us.

Singapore (work)
After one full day at home from Disney, I leave AGAIN for Singapore. Are we tired yet? I'll have a lot of frequent flyer miles by the end of April--I just have to survive to use them!

May

NYC (work)
I'll be attending a conference and I also plan on getting together with a great friend while I'm there.

Singapore (work)
Last trip to Singapore, or at least the last one I have planned. I'm trying to figure out a short excursion on my own time (and dime) so that I can cross the equator, since Singapore is roughly 80 miles from the equator. Seems a shame to not do that, right?

So that's it for the confirmed travel. I have a few loose ideas for other travel beyond May, but nothing set in stone yet. I do know for certain that I'll be doing the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in October, and believe me, Dear Reader, you will hear plenty about that in the coming months.

Now that I've written this all out, I somehow have the urge to go get back in bed, but Jillian Michaels awaits...

 

Making problems visible

I'm listening to a presentation about metrics, the classic red-yellow-green visual for communicating where things stand, and how people tend to soft-pedal measurement to avoid a "red" if at all possible. (Note that this is different from trying to prevent the "red;" it's more about how to massage the numbers so that things look better on paper than they really are.) The speaker said, "If we're always oscillating between "green" and "yellow," then problems are invisible."

In organizations, in relationships, we so often gloss over issues or bury problems so that we don't have to deal with them--so no one knows the problem is even there. SHHHHH. It will just go away. I've certainly been guilty of this myself. But in the last couple of years, I've really pushed myself to grow in this area. In some ways, I think having a broken marriage helped--I had stopped addressing the core issue already, but it wasn't as if I had anything to lose, so I decided I might as well address auxiliary issues as they emerged. So I did, and to be honest, I wasn't always good at it. As a woman in our society, rocking the boat isn't exactly encouraged, you know? So I had some serious upskilling of myself to do, to use some of our clients' language for a moment.

I still have a long way to go--this is a journey, after all--but I think I've made great progress. I raise what is important, and sometimes it makes for difficult conversations. Sometimes I have to just breathe and listen to the voice in my head rather than that knot in my stomach in order to make myself press on. And sometimes I get more than I bargained for. But every time, I feel better about who I am. I feel better about doing my work and my part. I owe it to the people I care about to make the problems visible. I owe it to them to call out what I am experiencing, how I feel about it, and why it's important to me. Even more, I owe it to myself.

(You know what that means? If you are in my life and I raise a difficult subject, that is the surest sign that I care about you.)

The one about the books

Dear readers, please note that this meme contains lots of book titles, but only some are linked to Amazon. I'd have linked them all, but I'm lazy like that sometimes.

1) What author do you own the most books by?
Since I'm not there to count, I'd say Steven King, with Patricia Cornwell and John McPhee tied for second.

2) What book do you own the most copies of?
Leaves of Grass.

3) Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?
No, it was a stupid, useless rule made up by John Dryden. It isn't grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition.

5) What book have you read the most times in your life?
To myself: Crime and Punishment, Gone with the Wind, Rebecca, The Sun Also Rises, The Razor's Edge, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Fran Lebowitz Reader

A few months back, David Sedaris told me about the home he and his partner bought in England and I told him to think of me when he was there, because I've purchased Me Talk Pretty One Day in cassette (dear God, yes), CD, hardcover, paperback, and e-book versions. (I've bought other books in multiple versions, too, but not to that extent.

6) What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?
Any Nancy Drew book.

7) What is the worst book you've read in the past year?
Oh goodness - The First Assistant. I don't know why I read it except that I'd already read The Second Assistant and it was good and terrible. The sequel was contrived but had a feel-good ending.

8) What is the best book you've read in the past year?
An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England. Wry, pokes fun at literature and literature buffs, very clever and played just right.

9) If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?
Crime and Punishment

11) What book would you most like to see made into a movie?
Him Her Him Again The End of Him.

12) What book would you least like to see made into a movie?
Really, what is the point of this question? I could plop in the name of any random book I didn't like here.

13) What is the most lowbrow book you've read as an adult?
Frankly, Deception Point by Dan Brown - stilted, impossible situations, grinding plot gears - formula romance fiction, minus the romance and plus ridiculously unbelievable action equals BLECH. I hope to never again be as desperate for a book at the airport.

14) What is the most difficult book you've ever read?
Wuthering Heights simply because Cathy is such a detestable character.

15) Do you prefer the French or the Russians?
We're still talking literature, so Russians.

16) Roth or Updike?
I am indifferent.

17) David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?
Hello...Sedaris FTW! (I still haven't cashed his check.)

18) Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?
Shakespeare.

19) Austen or Eliot?
Austen.

20) What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?
In the expected stuff, most of Dickens.

21) What is your favorite novel?
Crime and Punishment or The Sun Also Rises

22) Essay?
Joan Didion's "Goodbye to All That." I have a trip to NY planned that will be much more of a hello, but still.

Also, I adore Mark Twain's "Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses."

23) Work of nonfiction?
For the last several years, I've read much more nonfiction than fiction, though I'm not sure why. My favorite is probably something science-based, like Brian Greene's The Elegant Universe. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil is an old favorite, too.

24) Who is your favorite writer?

Hmmm. Shakespeare is up there. As is Hemingway. David Sedaris of course. Tobias Wolff. Jane Austen.

25) What is your desert island book?
The Norton Anthology of American Literature, featuring the more contemporary works. I'd rather hang with Steinbeck, et al than Twain. But that's just me.

26) What are you reading right now?
I am almost embarrassed to admit I have 5 books going right now and I didn't bring a single one with me on this trip.

John Adams by David McCullough - When a dear friend talked about how much he loved this recently, it shot straight to the top of my list.

The Big Payback: The History of the Business of Hip-Hop by Dan Charnas - I love hip-hop and rap and this tome is utterly enthralling. Who could resist a book on this subject that begins its exposition with Alexander Hamilton? (not me)

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte - for my "Never Read Group" although at this rate, it's going to stay on my never-read list! (And yes, I still buy Norton Critical Editions whenever I can.)

This is where I pause and say that if I were living right, I should be reading only TED books in anticipation of the conference starting in just a month. Every year I say "I'm going to read ALL the book club books before TED!" I'm going on record now admitting that I'm never going to do that and I'm not even going to attempt to make that silly claim in advance of TED 2012. Now, on with the list...

Super Sad True Love Story by Gary Shteyngart - Look! Current fiction on my list! This is a terrific book that includes both the traditional element of a love story layered with a wry view of the effects of technology on what we read and how we interact.

Where Good Ideas Come From by Steven Johnson - Look! A TED Book Club book! I've had a crush on Steven Johnson ever since I read Everything Bad is Good For You and this one is proving to be just as fascinating. And please note that the title ends in a preposition. Suck it, Dryden!

27) What fictional character are you secretly in love with?
Is there any other but Atticus Finch? Honorable mention to Rhett Butler. Please. The man is sex on a Confederate stick.

28) Who deserves to win the next Nobel Prize for Literature?
Tobias Wolff.

29) Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character.
When I was pregnant, had a very bizarre dream set in a castle battle while reading Michael Crichton's Timeline. I won't go into detail, but I had the dream several times and it was instrumental in convincing me that I would be able to breastfeed my baby, despite having no role models for this growing up.

Here's where the story ends

At least, that's what I always thought divorce would be--the end of the story. For so long, I was unhappy in my marriage, yet divorce seemed impossible for...well, lots of reasons. I was very good at coming up with reasons to stay. More than any reason, I was simply afraid of the whole idea. I'd already sacrificed so much of myself, was there enough left to start over? I'd already admitted to myself that my marriage was a failure--could I admit it to my child? To the world?

So I just stayed, and somehow I managed to compartmentalize my life enough that I could have a successful work world and a happy friend world and a fulfilling parent world. For a while, I convinced myself that was enough, and maybe all I deserved. But as I poured myself into those other areas, a funny thing happened. I felt valued and loved in those areas. Those became my safe spots where I could bring my full self, where I could feel supported and energized by those around me, and give them my love, support, and energy in return. I'd like to say the marriage compartment of my life got better, too, but it didn't. If anything, Joe and I were more like roommates than husband and wife, and more often than not, we just didn't like being around each other. Eventually, the running conversation in my head shifted from "Why doesn't he love me?" to "I just have to survive" to "I have to find my way out of this."

Then a week at the beach changed everything. Months ago, Fred (my boss) planned a writing retreat for the first week of January, to be held in the Outer Banks. The plan was for several of us to spend the week together in a house on the ocean to begin work on two new books. I gave Fred a hard time about this. "If we're going to the beach, shouldn't we go to one where it's warm?" I asked. I groused. I resisted. But once I arrived, I was there. It was serene and beautiful and I was surrounded by the heart of my work family, by people who love me and care for me. We did amazing work together (these books are going to rock, mark my words). Katrin, my executive partner (aka assistant) is an amazing cook, so every night we all gathered around the table and she fed us and we laughed and laughed. I missed Alex as I always, but I was also thoroughly, utterly comfortable and calm.

Then one night, amid the laughter and stories and work, it hit me. My entire life could be as happy as some parts of it already were. I was the only thing getting in the way of that. Not Joe. Not Alex. Not money. Not this idea that I had to stick with something I knew was never going to work. I had everything else working so well and the love and support of so many people that it suddenly seemed possible to right this other huge part of my life.

Getting to that moment wasn't easy, but once I recognized the arrival of that moment, it was as if a switch had been flipped. Much to my surprise, it didn't feel like the end of the story at all. It felt like a new beginning, and the switch that was flipped was my hope coming back on for the first time in longer than I care to admit.That's not to say that tears weren't shed or that it was easy--it wasn't. But it was right.

When the time came to end it, it went about as smoothly as I could have hoped. It's been over for a long time, we both knew that. It will be awkward, but amicable. There's no fault or blame, just too much time spent trying (and then not trying) to fix something that couldn't be fixed. He'll always be Alex's father, so his well-being will always matter to me. I wish him well. But everything else will fall away, and I'm finally okay with that. Alex was heartbroken when we told him and still has moments of sadness (and will have many more, I'm sure), but he gets it. That's why I realize now that the "staying together for the kids" is such a farce. The kids know. When I said I was queasy the next day, probably from what was going on, Alex told me, "Don't worry, it's going to be a better life." He was already my bright light of joy, but I had no idea what a strong little guy he really is or how much he was going to help me through this in his own way.

Now it comes down to paperwork and agreements and retainers. He put down a deposit on an apartment today and can start moving February 1. We're sorting out the finances and working on a shared custody arrangement and trying to keep everyday life as normal as possible for Alex.

Me? I am just fine. And getting better every day.