See that title? That is not the title of a shy person. It's brash and over-promising. It's ironic in its use of slang. But guess what? I'm shy. Or at least that's what I tell myself.
Before I go any farther, I have to ask...do you read Chris Brogan's blog? Chris is the co-founder of PodCamp and an all-around smarty pants about social media and community. Even his 140-characters-or-fewer Twitter posts are thought provoking and smart. About three months ago, Chris wrote 100 Blog Topics I Hope YOU Write About. It's a great list -- so great that over 200 people have picked a topic or 2 or 3 to blog about. One of these days, I'm going to finish reading them all, but I figured after all these weeks, it was about time to actually write something about the one I picked for myself.
The one that popped out at me was #85: How I Went From Very Shy to Less Shy.
Let's get one thing clear right now: I am still a shy person. Not painfully so, but still. It's only been in the last 2 or maybe 3 years that I realized I'm not as shy as I think I am. In fact, more often than not, if I mention my shyness now, people are surprised. "You don't seem at all shy to me," is the common response. So how did I do it? Bottom line, I got a little braver. And then I got a lot braver. I started taking more chances. But it isn't always easy and it so often doesn't come naturally. Here are some tricks I learned:
1. Remember that a big part of shyness is that feeling that everything you are doing stands out or gets noticed. It's the spotlight effect. We often think people are watching our every move and judging us harshly, when the truth is that more often than not, they are more worried about their own actions. So why spend so much time worrying about what others think and shutting myself down? Big waste of energy.
2. Get a role model. Watch people who you think of as outgoing or confident or whatever it is that you think you AREN'T. What are their behaviors? What do they do that is different? You don't need to be them, but you can learn from them.
3. Corollary - fake it till you make it. Sometimes when I'm feeling like hiding in the corner, I think about my role model and what they would do, and I just do it. If I see someone with a great handbag in front of me in the Sephora checkout line, I might be tempted to just keep quiet (and I often am). But if my husband sees just about anybody wearing Penn State gear, he will strike up a conversation or at least give them a rousing "We are!" So I remember that and just do what he would do. And you know, people often respond very well. After all, who doesn't like a compliment? Sometimes half the battle is just acting unshy to break the ice. It isn't all about faking it - it's about getting yourself over the hump so that the real you can come out.
4. Practice! Pick some safe surroundings to push your own envelope. When you're with your friends, be a little bolder, a little more daring. Go first. Call shotgun. Use the moments when you feel safe and comfortable to break out of that old box.
5. Stop the negativity. I've gotten better about it, but I still nibble at myself -- tell myself I'm too this or not enough that. Cut it out. Remember that spotlight effect? Stop shining the light in your own eyes. Try for just one day to think a positive thought after every interaction, especially the ones that make you nervous. If you tell yourself often enough that you aren't shy, that people want to know you and want to hear what you have to say, then somewhere down the line, you're going to start believing it.
So, that's all I have. I'm certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize for social skills. (What? That isn't a category?) But it's these little* tricks that help me be a little more of the person I want to be and give others a chance to know the person I really am.
Danke to Chris for the inspiration.
*Okay, maybe they don't sound like little tricks. Just keep telling yourself that they are. No point in psyching yourself out, is there?
